What Is Love?: Dating in the Digital Age
BY LILY ROBERTS
The New York Times has produced a weekly feature on notable weddings and engagements since 1992. Bob Woletz, editor of the ‘Vows’ column, said that it aimed to give backstories on married couples and to show how romance was changing with the times. In 2012, he outlined how “twenty years ago, as now, most couples told us they’d met through their friends or family, or in college,” however, 93 out of 1000 couples profiled in 2018 met on dating apps, such as Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel, Happn, and other specialized dating apps designed for smaller communities, like JSwipe for Jewish singles and MuzMatch for Muslims. As of last year, there were over 1500 dating apps available for download.
However, some question if dating apps are really the best way for Millennials and Gen-Z to meet people in a time when superficial connections are easily made. The development of online dating could be seen to reflect a somewhat pessimistic view of finding love today, and arguably takes the authenticity and excitement out of dating. Despite this, there are many positives, especially in a time when technology remains the centre of many young people’s social existence. COVID-19, in particular, saw a rise is dating app usage as, for a lot of people, going online was one of the sole ways to connect with the outside world during lockdowns, as well as just being a way to pass the time. Either way, romance is definitely changing. Are meet-cutes a thing of the past, making way for digital connections?
Recently, FUZE did a shoot partnered with dating app, POM, which makes matches based on music taste. I popped in to talk to some of the models about finding love in the digital age. Meet Cherelle, Debby, Lara, and Lucie, the four ladies who kindly offered up their time at the hectic Valentine’s shoot. Among makeup stations, excited models, and pastel clothing racks, they told me of their relationship experiences, opinions on dating apps, and advice they would give to their younger selves.
First-time FUZE model, Lara (she/her) jokes about how it’s Social Media Manager Andrew’s fault she’s at the shoot, making her pinky promise to go to castings. After discussing my regret over not auditioning, she told me about her opinion on dating apps, which she has recently started to have more experience with. “I have a love/hate relationship with them”, she starts. As a hopeless romantic, Lara admits she would love the classic “meet in a coffee shop kind of story, but it’s not realistic.” When it comes to dating apps, while she’s someone who will match with someone if they’re attractive, “what’s more important [to her] is how you communicate. I think it’s so easy to fall into the trap of ‘you’re so pretty’, ‘no, you’re so pretty’.” She’s looking for a proper conversation and is not one for the generic back and forth you often find with dating apps. It makes sense, then, that she generally prefers Hinge over other apps as “there are more things to speak about, you can see the reasons behind people posting their photos and you have a lot more to actually talk about versus getting stuck in the trap.”
Image by Amia Watling
I asked Lara about her personal experience with dating apps, and she highlighted a benefit of them that is often overlooked. “Before I came to uni I was very much like, not really feeling it. But especially in first term of second year, I really just want to meet people and I really want to speak to people, and it’s been really fun.” She’s met up with two people but, with a laugh, she admits that neither came to fruition. She seemed to hold the belief, however, that it’s a nice experience just meeting somebody as she’s quite a social person. Dating apps give you the opportunity to go and do fun things; “when am I ever going to go and play mini golf just casually?” she jokes.
Debby (she/her) has been very successful in her use of dating apps, telling me how she met her current boyfriend of ten and a half months on Tinder. She wasn’t initially looking for a relationship, and “got it at the start of lockdown because everyone was getting it just for fun.” She then stopped using it for a bit but got it back at uni, and that’s how they met. She jokes that it’s basic, but considering her success, it’s no surprise that she thinks “to an extent, they are quite useful!” In terms of how useful they are for our generation in general, Debby agrees with Lara by pointing out that we don’t get the typical meet-cute “where you go out and just find someone”, which is “so hard to find these days.” Living in an age where technology is so important, dating apps are very accessible and make dating a lot easier, according to Debby.
Also new to FUZE modelling, Cherelle (she/her) has been in a relationship for an impressive two and a half years. However, unlike Lara and Debby, she has never used dating apps before. On the topic, she has a mix of opinions. “I think if people use them properly, I think it’s a great way to meet people that you wouldn’t bump into in the street necessarily”. But she raises the important issue of harassment that goes hand-in-hand with any form of social media; “Of course, there’s always people on there who are there for one reason and one reason only and won’t necessarily respect you”, she says. Debby also holds this view, agreeing that unwanted attention is something you get a lot in these situations.
Cherelle thinks it’s better when apps require you to put more emphasis on your personality and your interests other than just your physical appearance, “which isn’t that important in a relationship”, she says. She feels that when you get to know someone better you get less of the meaningless back and forth. Cherelle also thinks that a sole reliance on dating apps isn’t necessarily beneficial because you miss that initial in-person connection with someone. “Texting someone is never the same as talking to someone in person, and you can vibe over text, but in-person conversation may not flow as well.” Overall, however, she maintains that dating apps have many positives as “you can really build connections with people, and it’s a confidence booster!”
Image by Amia Watling
Lucie (she/her), who is a first year from Los Angeles, has been enjoying her time in the UK and is excited to be modelling with FUZE. She doesn’t have much experience dating in Bristol, and, like Cherelle, she’s never used dating apps before. She says that during high school she was more academically focused – “I didn’t have much time for it.” When asked if she has any interest in using dating apps at all, she said “maybe some time in the future,” but “for now, it’s not really a priority.” She knows people who use them and even knows a couple who met through an app, but she thinks it really depends on the person; “it seems like for some people it works, for some it’s a disaster,” so it’s something you have to try to see if it really works for you. However, Lucie agrees with Debby in that dating in the form of social media is especially useful because “it’s definitely easier to connect with people online.”
Lucie also points out how dating apps connect you to people who have similar interests, which is a helpful feature that somewhat cuts out the middle-man. As previously mentioned, the shoot was in partnership with the dating app, POM, which matches people based on music taste. “For me, music means a lot”, says Cherelle. With music being such an expressive form, it can show your personality very well and help you to meet someone that shares something you love. She points out how it also gives you “a basis to start a conversation on.” Knowing what you share an interest in before meeting can take away the awkwardness that puts many people off formally dating. Lucie hasn’t heard of anything like it before and agrees that what POM does is a really good idea. “I think music is a very important part of a lot of people’s lives, especially young people, and I think it’s nice to start off with a common interest”, she says.
Image by Amia Watling
I went on to ask the models if they found a difference dating in Bristol as opposed to back at home where they grew up. Lara has found a huge difference between the two. For starters, she dated some men, but isn’t into that anymore. “It was complicated to say the least, [there were] some bad dates”, she admits. A main difference according to Lara is the type of people she’s met in Bristol, as those she was interacting with back home “were very close-minded.” Originating from a small area within Birmingham, Lara was surrounded by people who, in her opinion, were quite “up themselves”, which is “not [her] thing at all.” As a result, she found herself trying to force connections and “ended up with some awful date stories that make amazing anecdotes.” In contrast, Lara believes that Bristol gives a whole different vibe, and the people are more friendly, tend to be more artsy, and are generally more accepting.
In light of her bad experiences back home, Lara says her main advice to her younger self would be not to rush it. “I was in the closet while I was at home, I literally only came out like a month or two before uni, so I hadn’t figured out myself at all very clearly.” Debby agrees, explaining that she’s had the worst experiences with dating back home so “don’t rush it, the right person will come!”
Cherelle adds that relationships are not something you should rely on. Her advice to her younger self would be, “Don’t rely on other people for your own validation, I’ve struggled with that a lot” she reveals. Laughing at how cliché it is but insisting the truth behind it, she describes how important it is to love yourself first. “It will come, you need to look for someone who really appreciates you and not shallow things.” Similarly, Lucie believes that having a partner should be something that adds to your life, “rather than something that needs to be fulfilled.” She thinks it’s important to find someone who makes you better as a person. “But it’s definitely not something where you should be dependent on someone else or doing it just for the sake of it.”
Doing things “just for the sake of it” is clearly common among young people, especially with the pressure surrounding relationships, considering unrealistic body types and feelings of shame and judgement when it comes to issues like body count. Lara discusses how she felt pressure to go on dates, telling herself that “all my friends are in relationships, all my friends have had their first kiss”, which led her to do things that she’s come to regret now. “I ended up making myself get upset with people I didn’t actually care about. So, I suppose my main advice would just be that you don’t have to compete with the people around you; it’s such a personal, intimate thing that you need to take your time with.”
Lara outlines how ‘firsts’ are “so stigmatised but also taboo,” asking, “what does kissing somebody at 14 benefit you, does that advance your journey in life? The person you kiss at 14 you’re not going to marry.” Losing your virginity is especially controversial due to its ambiguity; “I’m friends with a lot of queer people and there was always a massive debate of what constitutes it”, says Lara. Why is there a pressure on when to do it when you don’t even know what it is?” She thus reminds us that when it comes to love and relationships, we should go at our own pace.
It seems that dating comes in all shapes and sizes. Evidenced in Lara, Cherelle, Debby and Lucie’s experiences, young adults appear to have diverse encounters and opinions on love and relationships in the digital age. While dating apps inevitably come with harassment and unwanted attention, and may feel less authentic to some, they provide a great way to connect with like-minded people and potentially even help you find your other half. However, it is also no secret that issues like pressure surrounding relationships and doubting self-worth are widespread among young people, making dating all the more tricky, but we’ve seen how these four ladies have overcome these hurdles, proving that we all can.
I will leave with the optimistic view that romance isn’t dead, it has just changed shape. And whether you choose to find love through a dating app or happen to bump into your soulmate on the street, love and relationships will come and go in many forms, each as valid and exciting as the next.
