Our Unaesthetic Quest for Self Love: A Guide by Off The Record
BY ARIANA VILLACORTA
The start of a new year is filled with hope and the prospect of new beginnings. The first two months of the year are often immersed with this seemingly once in a year opportunity to change and better yourself: unrealistic resolutions that require persistent completion. When January is suddenly over, we are overwhelmed by this sense of failure. We still have February, though. January was merely a trial month. Now we’re half way through March, however, and I still haven’t completely altered my life to match the aesthetically pleasing productivity promoted by the ‘‘that girl” trend. I am still insecure about the pouch in my belly and there are days where simple tasks are exhausting. And with days like Valentine’s Day, add to that the pressure not only to be loved by someone else, but most importantly, to love myself.
In conversation with one of FUZE’s partners, mental health charity and social movement Off the Record, we touched upon the commercialisation of self-love and the misleading narrative that surrounds attaining it. Speaking to Tilda Boyer, Artworks Project Coordinator at OTR, we agreed on how the hyper-connectivity of our current times often prompts this unrealistic impression that everything else is as immediate as the touch of a smartphone. Just as New Year’s resolutions are not suddenly fulfilled once the clock strikes midnight, there is no instancy to self-love. Similarly, the media’s constant urge for productivity and relentless positivity effectively distorts the notion of self-love as accumulative and a lifelong practice.
In this way, we put such huge pressure on ourselves to be always productive that we forget to take things one day at a time and celebrate the small wins. Being patient with ourselves shows a vast amount of kindness and compassion. According to Tilda, “self-love at OTR often looks like rest. We encourage slowing down and putting less pressure on ourselves by celebrating the small things instead. It takes a lot of courage to overcome the reluctance we seem to have to speak about mental health sincerely and be kind to ourselves. The hardest thing sometimes can be turning up at all or seeking support in the first place. Being kind to yourself then feels revolutionary.”
While loving oneself is at its core something you have to achieve on your own, and for yourself, it does not ultimately have to be lonely. Along our quest for self-love, it’s easy to become desperate and lose hope or motivation, which is why it’s important to have a community to fall back on. Talking about the positive affect of group environments, such as those provided at OTR, Tilda says “it’s about having your own individuality respected, while being a part of a group that encourages you and provides a space. Having groups to speak about specific subjects that might not be spoken about elsewhere, such as body positivity, self-harm, exam stress, while simultaneously having groups that are not necessarily spaces to talk about mental health, but to be spaces to be present”.
Alongside a sense of community and belonging is the idea of representation, and the validation of feelings that comes along with that. “Self-love can be built upon more easily when there is representation, when you are surrounded by people with similar experiences, not necessarily to talk about them but just knowing that somebody else like you exists”. It’s very easy to feel isolated in your own identity, and this is only heightened with limited representation in the media, making us suspect the validity of our own struggles and insecurities, especially when these are seemingly non-existent in the world projected on our screens. “Yet, coming together in a group of people just to do some yoga while knowing everyone else in the room has experienced similar things as you have, can be very empowering.”
The commercialisation of self-love amounting to facemasks, bubble baths and manicures also contributes to its inaccurate representation. Self-love does not only consist of these aesthetically pleasing things. Sometimes self-love can be laying down a difficult boundary, or cutting off someone who used to be important in your life. Most importantly, however, self-love looks different for all of us. It’s not necessarily the green smoothies and 6am hikes presented on TikTok or Instagram. I asked some of my own friends how they liked to practice self-love and I was pleased with the various responses: while many of them agreed on spending time with loving friends and practicing saying kind words to yourself, others mentioned meditation, journaling and binging on Marvel movies. Tilda advises to cultivate self-love “by indulging in the things that make you feel good, regardless of whether they are cool, aesthetic, or trendy. In OTR, practicing gratitude is something that is embedded into our groups: write down a joy or a small thing that has made you happy during the past day or week, share it even if it’s just with yourself. These joys don’t have to be focused on achievement or productivity”.
She also mentions how “the key to nourish self-love is looking after ourselves and celebrating small things. Once you shift your focus from productivity, beauty standards or the things that the media tell you represent self-love, and reframe the things that feel like achievements for you, your self-esteem rises along with your capacity to love yourself. If you start to celebrate the things you already know are amazing at, the confidence naturally grows. This way, you also have more confidence to try out new things that you’re less good at.” It’s not a quick or easy journey, but it doesn’t need to be. The transformation is not overnight. It’s a long journey, but hopefully in prolonged kindness and compassion for oneself, we can create a change more radical than that brought about by any impetuous resolutions.
